Hope and Glory
by poignance
Summary: After a disturbing encounter with some youkai, the Sanzo-ikkou make their way to another town amidst a violent downpour and surge of memories. Koumyo Sanzo appears in a dream to Sanzo and together they speak of things that were, are, and are to come. *3!*
1. The Rain Will Fall Like Tears From A Sta...

HOPE AND GLORY

Rating: PG – Language/Mild violence

Genre: Angst/Drama

Disclaimer: You know the drill. Minekura Kazuya is an absolute genius for thinking up Saiyuki… I unfortunately cannot lay claim for any aspect of Saiyuki, blah blah blah (dang :|) etc. [But I own the youkai boy though and the ©opyrighted ideas for this fic.]

Summary: After a disturbing encounter with some youkai, Koumyo Sanzo appears to Genjo Sanzo in a dream one rainy night and they speak of things that were, are and are to come. 

Author's Notes:

            Finally decided to get my lazy butt moving and wrote this fic out of sheer boredom and because no one had updated their fics yet. This is my first fic in a very very long time and my first Saiyuki one at that. Reviews are graciously accepted as usual (so clichéd). Ü There is no motivation to write without feedback. *bleah*

            Lyrics found here are taken from 'Fragile' by Sting. Also, no pairings are intended (I can't bring myself to write shounen-ai) and the whole thing will probably comprise of two or at most, three chapters. Genjo Sanzo will be referred to as Sanzo or Kouryuu (when necessary) and Koumyo Sanzo as Koumyo Sanzo to prevent confusion. [Spoilers might surface by the way.]

            This fic might be dedicated to someone (won't disclose who yet) if she likes it, angst and all, for *sardonic snort* CHRISTMAS. *laughs self silly* Will update in my next bout of boredom or inspiration, whichever comes first! Ü

"…" – speech

_italics – thoughts_

Chapter One: The Rain Will Fall Like Tears From A Star
    
    If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
    
    Drying in the color of the evening sun
    
    Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
    
    But something in our minds will always stay

"Ch', damn rain."

He looked out of the window in intense annoyance as he took a long puff on his cigarette, letting the smell of tobacco waft down his throat, warming it.

They had been on the road, driving along at a nice steady speed when they were suddenly attacked by another band of over-ambitious youkais trying to get his sutra and free meals. 

_Those bastards never give up. _

He took another extended drag at the cigarette, the only source of comfort as he stared at the patterns of raindrops on the glass window. Funny how mesmerized he was, watching them, even though he hated the downpour with passion: another one of life's paradoxes.

_[Flashback]_

The youkai had been dispatched quickly and efficiently as usual though he did suffer a few minor bruises and scrapes. Human skin was so fragile and prone to injury. Worse still, it took such a long time to heal, a process only accelerated if Hakkai was well enough to donate his _ki energy. _

This time, Hakkai had got off injury free and was more than well and happy enough to mend him after first catching his breath. 

But he had not wanted Hakkai to tend to his wounds. He was weak, so he got injured, and the thought of it burned in him and forced him to remember Koumyo Sanzo's last words - for him to be strong. 

They were mild anyway, nothing life-threatening that demanded immediate attention. He would survive, like he always did.

As they were recuperating from the fight, amidst the stench of blood which penetrated his nostrils, stirring disgust in his gut, he had gazed at the corpses, then watched as the youkai blood stopped dripping from Gojyo's shakujou blade and dried up, tainting the steel.  

Looking up at the horizon, he saw the sky painted in a vivid hue of oranges, reds and violets, and the bloodied stain of the dying sun as it sank behind the hills in the west. _West.__ We head west._

In a moment of perverse humor, he wondered silently if he, the sun, as Goku liked to say, would end up like the great dimming fireball in the sky, hurtling to its demise by the time this whole joke of a journey was over. _Will I end up dying in the west? The sun always dies in the west at the end of each day…Damn saru, cursing me in his idiotic brainless fashion…_

Briefly, he recalled that the Three Aspects resided in Chou an, the Temple of the Setting Sun, and more idle thoughts ran through his brain. _Humph, sending me to die in the west with these three idiots, amid the setting sun, where they linger, disembodied, in a spray of blood that stains the whole sky crimson red…_

The significant irony of the whole situation, right down to the fact that Kougaiji's name started off with the kanji meaning crimson was rather amusing he found - in a very weird, hentai way. 

He shoved the uncharacteristic ideas to the back of his head when he thought he felt another youkai presence near them.

A shadow detached itself from behind one of the trees. A young youkai boy emerged in the clearing, probably not any older than thirteen, with very pale blond hair, the color of the stars, and a star-shaped marking on his forehead to boot.

At the scene of gore, he had stood there speechless, staring at the pile of dead bodies with wide, frightened, yet searching eyes. After a moment, he ran forward with sudden urgency and started shoving some of the bloody corpses off the top, trying to uncover something in the mountain of dead bodies, the desperate panic in his wild eyes very apparent. They were completely ignored as the boy rummaged frantically, lost in his own falling realm.

Finally, the boy stopped. He had gotten half-dried blood all over him in the rush to free a single lifeless body of a youkai man with a similar star marking on his forehead. The boy gawked at the corpse for what seemed like ages.

Then, he screamed the word that struck Sanzo to the core, killing him as the sound reverberated through him, echo replying likewise to echo and setting forth even more repercussions in a grating cacophony. "Otou-sama!" _Father…_

With that anguished cry, the evening sky turned to a malevolent shade of dark grey and let pour its wrath on them. It fell in large torrents, the rain, drenching all of them in a matter of minutes.

As he looked at the boy forlornly, he was reminded of the time his own "father" had died. _Koumyo__ Sanzo. It was ironic, how much Otou-sama sounded like Oshiou-sama, the title Sanzo had always addressed the elder man by. __Teacher.  But no, he was not only a teacher to Sanzo. He was the whole world, perfection in motion, and also much more than that. _

_Father…  He had always wished he could address Koumyo Sanzo as Father. But that would set even more mouths chattering non-stop in envy of their close relationship. Not that he actually gave a damn about rumors. They were essentially a part of his life. No matter where he went, people would always have some pitiful two cents to chip in about him. __Fools…Nothing less.___

Still, formality was formality. He was unworthy as it was to be Koumyo Sanzo's pupil, much less the man's son. Koumyo Sanzo was a sanzo, the highest-ranked Buddhist monk and he did not deserve the disrespect of being called an abandoned orphan's father. 

Yet, deep down inside Sanzo knew that he alone had had the deep honor of being treated like a son by Koumyo Sanzo. They had shared a special inseparable bond; Koumyo Sanzo had known him far better than he could ever hope to know himself and accepted him truly for all his weaknesses, caring for him immensely, to the point of giving his life for him. 

Kouryuu had meant as much to Koumyo Sanzo as Koumyo Sanzo still meant to Kouryuu, now Genjo Sanzo.

Sanzo had been brought back to reality from his musings when the youkai boy had emitted a furious yell, a battle-cry of sorts, reflecting the sudden emergence of bloodlust in his cat-like eyes. His metamorphosis into his true youkai nature, with longer and sharper ears and nails, intrigued Sanzo a little. 

_From a lost misplaced child to a fearsome possessed warrior. He has grown up in an instant at the knowledge of the death, just like I did._

The kid was out for revenge in the most violent and painful way possible, he realized, and would stop at nothing to achieve it, even his own demise. 

_Nothing will come from it kid, nothing will come from your trying to exact revenge by killing us. _

_You are still too weak…too weak to protect anyone, much less yourself. _

_You will die if you attack us because you are not strong enough. _

_Nothing can and will come from this reckless, unthinking act of yours, driven by the angry passions of your untamed, mourning heart._

The boy would not have listened to him even if he had uttered those pearls of wisdom at that moment. He was still reeling from the cruel blows fate had dealt him this day, the massacre of half his clan and his father when they tried to tempt death and attack the Sanzo-ikkou. _Sukuwarenai__…He cannot be saved._

With inhuman speed, he launched himself at the nearest person to him – Sanzo. Out of survival instinct, Sanzo's hand automatically raised the gun, cocked the barrel, took aim, and fired a single shot at point-blank range.
    
    Perhaps this final act was meant
    
    To clinch a lifetime's argument
    
    That nothing comes from violence
    
    And nothing ever could
    
    For all those born beneath an angry star
    
    Lest we forget how fragile we are

The boy's face, contorted in pain, both physical and emotional, reaching out a clawed hand towards Sanzo's neck in mid-leap was forever etched into the monk's head. His sharp eyes did not miss the glint of tears in the eyes of the youkai boy, still unshed. But as the boy's body slumped to the ground, his silver eyes closed and the tears flowed down his cheeks, let loose by the loss of life and control, mingling with the raindrops splattering on his pale cheeks and over the whole scene.

The unanimated body spasmed – once, twice – then it was all over. The boy was dead as dead could be, his fragility uncovered in the last throes of death as his face returned to the one he wore when he first appeared, the face of a lost misplaced child.
    
    On and on the rain will fall
    
    Like tears from a star
    
    Like tears from a star
    
    On and on the rain will say
    
    How fragile we are
    
    How fragile we are

Sanzo's arm dropped unceremoniously to his side as he felt the slight pang of regret for having to end such a young life. What racked his conscience the most was how easy it was to see his own younger self in the boy.

Yes, Kouryuu and the boy were one, cursed with weak fragility and the inability to protect their loved ones, mocked at by the rain as it fell, playing a final requiem for those who lost their lives and unconsciously scarred those left behind with that last gift of true love as it fell with a pattering sound. 

Beneath his long golden bangs, Sanzo surveyed the other three in silence, without giving himself away. Their faces were all frozen, forming a tableau. 

Hakkai with mouth open was aghast, monocle sliding down his nose a little to reveal the defective emerald eye expressing a range of emotions from shock to sadness, in sync with his other working eye, still trying to comprehend the events that had happened prior to the killing. 

Goku – big eyes widened, mirroring Hakkai's but with more unconcealed pain and horror since his golden orbs unfailingly betrayed his every emotion every time.

Gojyo's look however, was unfathomable. He kept his own blood-red eyes partially hidden beneath his long hair, forming a monochrome of red as he peeked out a little at the sight from behind the curtains of hair. His mouth was set in a tight, grim line, face hardened as it bore the onslaught of painful memories.

As he turned his gaze to the puddle of blood seeping from the centre of the boy's forehead, where his bullet had penetrated, spreading around the ground, absorbed into the soil and flowing slowly towards his feet as the rainwater diluted it, he could only smell the stench of blood mixed with rain and thought of how the rain reminded him of sweat from the sky among other things.

He closed his eyes, feeling the burden of taking a young life – youkai or not – weighing heavy on his shoulders, adding on to the weight of the responsibility entrusted to him by keeping the sutra. But that was the price he paid for living Koumyo Sanzo's legacy, for fulfilling the man's last wish, to take upon himself the same title of his Oshiou-sama, his teacher, and live his last words by being strong.

The relentless rain continued to pour down on them, and the puddle of blood and rain was threatening to engulf his feet. Hair plastered to his violet eyes, rendering them sightless until he smoothed the fringe away, he made his way silently to the jeep and got in without a single utterance.

Hakkai, Goku and Gojyo followed suit and soon enough they were continuing west to the next town despite the onset of the rain, to embrace this bloodied future in an odyssey carved in death to the very place where the mighty sun passed away each day.

He recalled the sight of the boy – _silver eyes closed and the tears flowed down his cheeks, let loose by the loss of life and control, mingling with the raindrops splattering on his pale cheeks and over the whole scene – on the drive back to civilization, as his violet eyes closed and the unbidden, hidden tears flowed down his cheeks, let loose by the loss of control, mingling with the raindrops splattering on his pale cheeks and over everything in sight._

Back here in his room at the inn, alone, he watched the glass window, at the curious patterns of the raindrops, mesmerized by them. After a bath to rid himself of reeking of death and blood, plus a rather good dinner, albeit in his own silence, his mood had considerably cleared. Now, he just brooded about the rain. 

There was no point obsessing in the death of the youkai boy, it was part and parcel of his life and one day, he too would be killed. _A murderer must be prepared to lose his own life – that is what is meant by retribution._

The other three idiots had conveniently forgotten about the whole incident after they all emerged from the showers and were back to their usual, rowdy selves. The bakasaru up to his monkey tricks again and the erokappa up to his kappa tricks again. Not forgetting Hakkai and his mothering. _Fools…Nothing less._

But now, as he pondered, he realized something important.

_Not just Kouryuu and this youkai boy with the star marking – there were many others who suffered this same fate. At least these other three fools with him had too gone through this bitter experience. That was what bonded him with these three idiots – a fatal bond forged in the death of loved ones._

So through this fatal bond, they were made strong, strong enough to continue on to the next day, to survive without loosing their own lives as they went about killing others in self-defense and sometime, for him, sheer irritation. 

He got into the bed and kept his eyes focused on the window as the pattering melody of the insistent rain lulled his tired body to sleep. His last thought was of his beloved Koumyo Sanzo looking up at the dark sky one night as they sat in the temple porch, illuminated in the soft pale-yellow light of the stars, amidst a slight drizzle. And the last words of his Oshiou-sama rang in his ears like a mantra, "Tsuyoku nari nasai, Genjo Sanzo." _Please be strong, Genjo Sanzo._
    
    On and on the rain will fall
    
    Like tears from a star
    
    Like tears from a star
    
    On and on the rain will say
    
    How fragile we are
    
    How fragile we are
    
    How fragile we are
    
    How fragile we are

TO BE CONTINUED…

And we come to the end of the first chapter! YAY! Ü this took me almost 3 hrs of today and a few more of other days, not to mention a gazillion brain cells dead from the radiation of the computer screen. _ The translations of the Japanese terms can be deduced by close logical scrutinizing of the sentence structures and common sense. 

If you're wondering, Koumyo Sanzo appears in the next chapter and I'm sorry for the overload of angst. It just happened. -_- Also, if you're wondering about the title, that's actually one of the meanings of _koumyo (I got that off a site) and I thought it was relevant and very significant with the idea of this fic and so this whole fic, et all, just happened. Ü_

P.S. By the way, it was pouring ¾ through this fic till just a few minutes ago. Coincidental eh…


	2. A Shyness That Is Criminally Vulgar

HOPE AND GLORY

[This is the umpteenth time I'm uploading this dang chapter because the formatting is SCREWED no matter what I do to correct it, even painstakingly copying and pasting and making sure the formatting should be alright. So I retyped this ENTIRE 3400+ dang thing for the readers' convenience. My perfectionist side is surprisingly determined. My apologies to the readers who had to read the screwed up version! On a final note: SCREW TECHNOLOGY…at times.]

Author's Notes:

            I am feeling terribly, terribly happy right now because I just watched the Devastation episode of Saiyuki. Was squealing away like a little pig when Sanzo-sama appeared, specifically at the doorway in Gojyo and Goku's room, bandages covering his otherwise bare chest and dark jeans with that LOOK™. *melts into a puddle of drool* Hm…noticed that the episode was kind of yaoi fodder for fan girls who lean to that side. -_-; Straddling and other weird situations present. *uncomfortable*

            Anyway, that wonderful episode, although not the best-drawn one, has inspired me to update way ahead of estimated deadline! Ü Now, to reply to the wonderful, wonderful people who reviewed and made my day!

Vampire no Hime – Thank you for being my first reviewer! Ü

Pyon-chan – Thank you too, GO DEPRESSING SANZO FICS! Ü

Lady Ravenshadow – Thank you so much! Angst is still very much present and rearing its head to keep to Sanzo's character and the general storyline. Ü

Rook – Wow…I can actually make you cry?! O.o Koumyo Sanzo is supposed to play the key role here in keeping Sanzo's sanity but I'm granting your request since I just got another idea. Ü And don't worry, I can't even bring myself to read yaoi, much less write it. *squirm*

Missing Link – Will email and keep you happy! This update was unanticipated though since I replied to your email before watching Saiyuki. Ü

            Okay, this chapter still has loads of angst, this time from another source though! A very unusual source for angst, but I do feel that it is appropriate since this mystery character does angst in the series. I hope that I am able to do it tastefully though without making him OOC.

            Koumyo Sanzo still does not appear yet and leaking any more details will spoil the story! Reasons for the delay are given at the end of this chapter. Enjoy and REVIEW!

            I have this horrible mean desire to use song lyrics without giving credit. =) There are so many little stanzas added here and it is tiresome to keep stating the sources but I have to or risk my sorry little butt sued off. *shudder* Not a pleasant though…All translations taken from animelyrics.com and lyrics taken from letssingit.com.

"…" – speech               _italics – thoughts                     '…' – song titles_

Chapter Two: A Shyness That Is Criminally Vulgar

I am the son

And the heir

Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I am the son and the heir

Of nothing in particular

- Love Spit Love 'How Soon Is Now'

Goku padded up the staircase to Sanzo's room to the rhythm of the pattering rain falling on the roof above, trying not to make any unnecessary noise that would further annoy the tense monk. He stifled a laugh when he suddenly recalled for no particular reason Gojyo's comment on how their Sanzo-sama was so shy and not willing to come clean and admit his true feelings to Goku after the desert-scorpion incident.

But presently, Sanzo was a time bomb, and Goku wondered how he could recall that funny comment when right now Sanzo was just waiting to explode. Throughout dinner, he had been a brewing thunderstorm, much like the weather outside. Face mirroring the dark sky, he had kept his head lowered, eyes hidden by long blonde bangs, totally silent in a very unnerving way even though he was not acting out of character.

_[Flashback]_

Goku had been worried about him and had asked Hakkai what was wrong with the monk. Heck, he was even prepared to suffer furious blows from an irritated and violent Sanzo if that would make the older man feel better.

But Hakkai had silently shook his head and told Goku not to ask Sanzo anything but just to leave him alone. Hakkai had also made Goku promise to be his normal self and ignore the monk's anti-social behavior. "It will pass, Goku," with the ever-present smile fixed on his weary face, "Just like a passing cloud blocks the sun's rays for a while but passes eventually. You must understand that our journey makes Sanzo very tired sometimes as he has a lot on his mind and many responsibilities." 

"But why is Sanzo so moody today? I know he's normally like that but today…I don't know, today it seems much worse," Goku had replied, confused about his keeper's unpredictable and volatile mood swings.

"Haven't you noticed that it's been raining for quite some time, Goku? Remember, Sanzo always gets like this when it rains and today is no exception. Just pretend that everything is alright and act normally. You know Sanzo doesn't like people fussing over him when he's caught up in the past." With a little comforting squeeze of his shoulder, Hakkai walked away from the shower area to his room, indicating an end to the conversation.

Goku had looked down at the floor as Hakkai's footsteps disappeared and clenched his fists, knowing that something else was affecting Sanzo which Hakkai had not wanted to shed light on. It always bothered him to see Sanzo brood excessively and be in such foul moods every time it rained. _The sun shouldn't be dark and despairing…It should be shining and bright and cheery. Okay, maybe cheery is pushing it for Sanzo but he isn't being himself now…_

Quietly, Goku resolved to be his usual genki, energetic self and hopefully light up the monk's mood a little. He was still rather annoyed at the fact that something was being hid from him. He hated being left out of secrets since he did not have any, as far as he knew, and because of his belief in honesty.

He walked back to his room, deep in thought about what could be bothering Sanzo this time. However, he did not get very far as Hakkai's call that dinner was starting came soon enough and his saru brain was flooded with thoughts of food, glorious food, drowning out concerns about Sanzo momentarily. _All this thinking has made me really hungry._

He ran to the dining room, back in bottomless-pit-stomach-brain-saru mode again, as fast as he could. _Thinking can come later, when my belly's full and my brain can function properly. _

At the dining room, he proceeded to cram every edible thing into his mouth while Gojyo tried to pick a fight with him for finishing up all their food. They squabbled and bickered noisily but Sanzo had for once, been totally silent, not even bothering to look up from his plate of food with loud curses and his paper fan.

On the contrary, Sanzo finished his dinner hastily and left wordlessly, without even a backward glace, just as Gojyo was about to shove some empty plates into his mouth in an experiment to see what else the almighty saru stomach juices could digest.

Even when they're alone,

People want to share their feelings,

But it can be so hard.

Words are powerless 

To express one's feelings,

And sometimes, 

They become a silver knife.

- 'Scarlet' translation, Ayashi no Ceres OP theme

Goku reached the top of the stairs, spirits gradually getting dampened by the unceasing rainfall and threw a longing glance at Sanzo's door. He would love to be in Sanzo's room right now, sitting on a stool by the man's bed, watching him look out of the window mutely just like those times in the temple at Chang an.

It was a comfortable silence which settled over them then, when he would relish being quiet for once and enjoy the feeling of him and his master as the only two people in a world enclosed and isolated from all other contact by the constant pouring of rain.

The way you gaze at a spot far away

Means you're listening to the voice of your heart

And still holding the blue moon.

- 'Still Time' translation, Saiyuki 2nd OP theme

But then, Sanzo would eventually get tired to having him around staring at him and would growl something mean and nasty, ordering him back to his own room so Sanzo could lurk in the darkness brooding even more in solitude. He had muttered once that when it rained, his own company was too much for him and so the need to be alone was of utmost importance.

Goku was always wary of the time limit till Sanzo's patience, or lack thereof, got the better of him and he was chased out of the room with hurting words. Always reluctant to leave, he only earned more snide remarks from the aloof monk and then had retreated to his own room, nursing his wounds borne of genuine care and concern.

Feelings like sand

Falling through my hands…

Back then, the words that pierced my heart

Suddenly started to throb with pain…

- 'Alone' translation, Saiyuki 2nd ED theme

The next morning when the rain was over, Sanzo would arise and go to his room, then make it up to him by placing a peace offering of his favorite minced pork buns or juicy succulent peaches picked from the peach trees in the temple gardens on his table. He never mentioned any apology whatsoever; it was going way too far to even think that Sanzo would say sorry for anything to him, the silly unassuming saru.

Goku inched closer to Sanzo's door, step by step, still as quiet as a mouse. _He's probably sleeping already; either that or watching the rain outside the window again. He stood right outside Sanzo's room now, his warm breath blown back into his face after facing the hard barrier of the wooden door. He closed his eyes and thought again of Sanzo._

Words were not necessary with the monk, since his actions spoke volumes anyway. It was not as if Sanzo could bring himself to say anything remotely nice, even if he had wanted to. His words, no matter what the situation, were always cutting and very direct. That was just how he was and his affection was portrayed in regular beatings and rebukes.

Somehow Goku, being the unconsciously insightful creature he was, sensed that there were times when Sanzo would have liked to speak up about what was on his mind, but his defense mechanisms were always automatically activated and deactivating them would be nearly impossible unless the whole system, or Sanzo, shut down or had a terrible malfunction and ceased to work anymore.

Imagining a chibi grouchy Sanzo standing in a tall, mighty fortress with everything from archers to gargantuan catapults to a whole army decked out in armor, scary weaponry and the works, ready to attack anyone or anything happened to chance within five miles, Goku felt a small smile light up his otherwise sober expression, proving that he could not be very serious for too long.

You don't try to escape

From the gloomy passing of the days

You'll have to excuse me for

Waiting by the side of a person like you

- 'Still Time' translation, Saiyuki 2nd OP theme

But he turned serious again, reasoning to himself that Sanzo was basically too familiar with holing himself behind unassailable walls to ever open himself up to anyone, in a sudden flash of brilliance untrue to his usual brainless nature. _I think I've been hanging around Hakkai too much…I'm actually making sense and not being a bakasaru._

_Aaah, I wonder if maybe one day, Sanzo can open up and stop having so many secrets. I wonder why he's like that…I wonder what or who made him become like that…_

Goku turned away from Sanzo's door after murmuring a voiceless "goodnight Sanzo" and went back to his room. _I hope Sanzo will come clean one day and stop being so "shy". _

What are we going to find

By spitting out our hearts

We will meet again here

If that is the truth

- 'For Real' translation, Saiyuki 1st OP theme

Beyond the door, Sanzo stirred in his sleep, shifting his body to rest on his back. The rain still fell, but in the darkness which overshadows the mind when sleep comes, he was segregated from the world outside – and the rain.

Unfortunately, in a realm where reality no longer interfered with dreams, memories could still haunt and when infused with dreams, twisted peaceful restful slumber into physical paralysis controlled by nightmares, unending till the sleeper woke up. It was a gamble and a calculated but inevitable risk.

It was impossible to force oneself to have insomnia as a way of escaping nightmarish attacks of bitter memories made worse by the illusive hand of fantasy. Whatever it was, the body – human or youkai – could not continue without rest and sleep. On the other hand, dreams could be sweet and serene too, offering a diversion form the harsh realities of life.

The unconscious mind could be both cruelly masochistic and yet, benevolently kind.

Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,

So then, why are we destined to dream?

- 'Scarlet' translation, Ayashi no Ceres OP theme

In the veil of darkness that sleep cast over his closed eyes, Sanzo felt warm and secure, as if he was an infant in a safe womb. It was oddly comforting, the persona sleep took on now, even though he never knew a mother and had no real comprehension of what the role meant or was.

In siesta, Sanzo was Kouryuu again, young, innocent, naïve, and most importantly, vulnerable. He was oblivious to the fact that when he was unconscious and in the territory of dreams, his façade was rendered useless and his slumbering expression betrayed his inner child-like vulnerability and susceptibility to being hurt and he did look very much like an angel indeed. This was, of course, due to his not being able to observe himself while he was asleep.

So Sanzo hid in this shadowy void where time stopped and the musings of the wild, un-oppressed mind took over and the tables were turned, the controlled becoming the controller and the controller becoming the controlled. He wondered whether this night, he would have good dreams or nightmares.

_Hn, probably nightmares. That's what the rain always brings._

He solemnly waited for the blitz and mentally prepared himself for the anticipating onslaught.

I used to believe without a doubt

That I could reach my dreams,

No matter how far off they were.

But that me from long ago

Now sleeps inside my heart.

- 'Scarlet' translation, Ayashi no Ceres OP theme

They came, the bitter memories infused into dreams, tainting whatever fallacious hopes the comatose Kouryuu in Genjo Sanzo might have had of sweet imaginings of Koumyo Sanzo and himself standing together, watching orange paper airplanes glide in clear blue skies on pleasant summer days. 

They broke through all defenses, tore down all the walls no matter how high or invincible they were reputed to be. Walls only worked in the real world against people. These inanimate, elusive things, these memories could penetrate through any wall. Nothing was kept from them; everything bowed down and surrendered wholly in the land of dreams. They were the sole sovereigns and dictators. 

Like an avenging army, they gushed over him and he relived that same night when Koumyo Sanzo died again.

There's too much

That I keep to myself

And I turn my back on my faith

It's like glass when we break

I wish no one in my place

- Love Spit Love 'Am I Wrong'

In his mind's eye, Sanzo, like an invisible apparition from the future, saw Kouryuu sitting settled on the floor in his Oshiou-sama's room. He heard Koumyo Sanzo telling him that he was to finally receive his monk's name. He then heard Koumyo Sanzo utter the words, Genjo Sanzo. He saw the shock on his own youthful face and the vain attempt of Kouryuu to argue that he was not fit to bear the rank of a sanzo. He watched as Koumyo Sanzo shook his head with that tranquil smile etched on his gentle features, one that comes from enlightened beings who hold true knowledge, and counter that Kouryuu had a strong body and even stronger mind. And finally, Koumyo Sanzo handing the Maten Sutra to Kouryuu and telling the newly-installed Genjo Sanzo to, "please be strong."

All the dialogue between the two came slow and fast, slow and fast, distorted by the mind, and much deeper at times, making the tenor vocals of Koumyo Sanzo a lower baritone and adding a sense of maturity by deepening Kouryuu's unbroken voice. The images too were contorted, the scene sometimes becoming blurred and sharpening again.

For now, the dream was bearable. He had a sudden flashback of the time when Koumyo Sanzo and him had stood near the temple, the former looking forlornly at a flock of birds flying by as the wind blew and ruffled his light brown hair and braid; and Koumyo Sanzo commenting casually to Kouryuu that he wondered how it was like for the birds, to be free, yet not really free because they had no home to return to.

Then he was back to the present dream, and the whole scene was stilled for an instant. But he knew the worse was yet to come, for now, he would have to face the death of his Oshiou-sama again, and maybe yet again, depending on how much torture his unconsciousness wanted to put him through. He found himself clenching his jaw and fists tightly, steeling himself although he knew at the end, he would be left broken and utterly ravaged.

I wonder where the birds are flying off to,

As they freely slice through the wind?

One can't return to the same place

As it once was in days gone by.

- 'Alone' translation, Saiyuki 2nd ED theme

And it did come, as he had expected it to, swiftly, as if borne on the wings on the "free" birds bound by no real freedom.

He watched helplessly as the wooden-framed paper sliding doors of Koumyo Sanzo's room were slashed open by sharp claws. The next moment, the youkai were in the room itself and all poised and ready to attack them.

But this time, Sanzo found the group of youkai disturbingly familiar, as he scrutinized their faces with his sharp eyes, and their movements slowed down till they were halted completely, forming a tableau.

Suddenly, he realized the reason – they were the group of youkai he and the rest of the Sanzo-ikkou had been assaulted by earlier and had subsequently killed. He had been scarred emotionally and his unconsciousness now had taken the incident into account and stored it away to torment him in future dreams. _Damn it all._

With this new awareness, things were speeded up again and he was forced to witness as his Oshiou-sama hurriedly rushed in front of Kouryuu, stretching out his arms and using his own body to form a protective barrier between Kouryuu and the marauding youkais, as Kouryuu held onto the Maten Sutra fearfully behind Koumyo Sanzo.

In this instance however, the dream was different: Koumyo Sanzo's killer was none other than the young youkai boy with pale-blond hair the color of the stars and the star marking on his forehead.

In slow-motion, the boy reached out for Koumyo Sanzo's neck in exactly the same way he had in reality reached out for Sanzo, and Sanzo glimpsed the hole, small enough to fit a bullet, gaping at him from the dead centre of the boy's forehead where Koumyo Sanzo and his own chakras were. He saw the tears rolling down the boy's pale, rain-drenched cheeks, mixing with the tears of the stars in the sky.

Pained, Sanzo stole a look behind the dreadful scene and saw the rain falling outside the now-wrecked doors amid the backdrop of dimming, pale-yellow stars and a pregnant, near-full blue moon in the silenced night sky.

Turning his eyes back to the boy and his Oshiou-sama, he could only gaze in agony as the clawed fingers reached downwards steadily and swiped viciously across the man's chest, ripping open and exposing the fragility of human bodies, and stare as Kouryuu's eyes widened in absolute horror, pulling the Maten Sutra closer to his small frame.

Things afterwards were in elapsed time. In a blink of an eye, the youkai vanished from the scene, leaving only the bloodied corpse of Koumyo Sanzo and young Kouryuu staring in shock, still trying to recover from the cruel knowledge that he had just lost everything in a fraction of time on a rainy night.

Then the scene started swirling and Sanzo felt dizzy with the heavy stench of blood and exposed internal organs invading his nostrils and sickening him. Red dots blotted out the images in his mind and then turned to black as he succumbed to the feeling of vertigo and the endless spiraling of his crumbling world.

As he lost consciousness, the last thing his violet eyes rested on was the golden diadem of Koumyo Sanzo and he mused on how the scarlet-red blood contrasted with the gold color while Kouryuu's hollow whisper echoed through his soul, ripping it apart just like the claws of the boy had ripped open his Oshiou-sama's chest.

"Mamore nakatta…"

_I couldn't save him…_

When the dream dissolves

I open up my eyes

I realize that

Everything is a shore less sea

A weightlessness is passing over me

- Nina Gordon 'Tonight And The Rest Of My Life'

TO BE CONTINUED

YAY! Chapter two completed! Ü It was a struggle to hit the 2000 word count but I not only made it, I exceeded it by much more! Ü Angst angst angst again! Hm, I don't really know if I've actually put drama into this story yet…I can't tell. ??_?? For those of you who are waiting for Koumyo Sanzo to appear, he will in the next chapter. My apologies for the delay and for leaving readers on a cliffhanger of sorts. *nyahaha* Reason for delay: I think writing interaction between Sanzo and Koumyo Sanzo is uncharted territory and would be venturing in the realms of OOCness which is something I don't want to do. So I've been putting it off but I can't anymore. 

Next update will surface next week probably unless I can suddenly stop time and write it up. Oh yeah, hope you all liked the Goku angst. Ha ha. I tried to add a little pinch of humor although it might not be noticeable. How was the dream analysis part? Weird? I had to struggle with it. -_-


	3. I Loved You In My Fashion

HOPE AND GLORY

[Reposted without the personal rants, because I decided to take Caer's advice. Ü Much happier person today anyway because the first day of school was great! I guess I have been a brat with all my whining and moping and I get irritated too with authors who do that and I'm having double standards so from now, it STOPS! Ü]

Author's Notes:

            I have been a very bad author and neglected this fic. :( The excuses I give are that my other fic is shorter, easier to write, and has more reviews, oh and that I have been busy completing my holiday homework. *sob* I feel pretty guilty. Anyway, HnG is now dedicated to MisLnk, or Ashtoreth, for her belated birthday cum Christmas cum New Year gift. Ü

            Anyway, school is starting again…tomorrow. That means I do not really have much time to go update my fics since this year will directly influence the rest of my life and I need to concentrate on my studies. I am hoping that Hope and Glory will be completed by the third week of January when the stress is still at minimal level. 

            Enough of griping…RER, read, enjoy, review! Ü Now to reply to the wonderful reviewers who keep this fic going:

Rook – Thank you so much for your comments, they're the motivation that keeps me going. Ü *touched*

MisLnk – Awwww, thank you so much pal. Ü I'll try to do it again. Oh yeah, I have an e-card waiting for you at the missing link address. Will reply to the email via ashtoreth after uploading. Ü 

Lady Ravenshadow – Oh it's by The Smiths! Aaaaah, sorry, I haven't heard that version so I didn't know. Yeah, going to take your advice and write a Hakkai and Gojyo POV in this chapter. Thank you for your little tips. Ü

bluejay - Thank you for reviewing, reviews seem to only appear in a blue moon so this is very much appreciated. Ü

            All lyrics in this chapter taken from Sting, 'Why Should I Cry For You'. I'm going to spell Hakkai's sister's name as Kana although I know some people spell it as Kanan. If I am wrong, please inform me. When they pronounce it in the anime, it sounds a lot like Kana, not Kanan. 

            Hm, it's not good to mope in the New Year. *forced smile* Ü Angst angst angst again from Hakkai and Gojyo this time. Enjoy! Ü

  "…" – speech             _italics – thoughts         _

Chapter Three: I Loved You In My Fashion  

Dark angels follow me

Over a godless sea

Mountains of endless falling

For all my days remaining

Hakkai trudged back to his room quietly. Gone was the usual smile and pleasantry air about him. It was raining, pouring, the sky was weeping, and earth was cleansed with the tears of heaven tonight, washing away the traces of blood red seeping into the land, mingling with the water in deep places.

Most times, he would sit by himself and reflect on what he had done with his life, his past sins, the new life he lived now, and of course, her. _Kana… _

However tonight, he would worry about Sanzo. He had not missed the look the monk had worn when he shot that youkai boy. He had not missed the hesitation in his face to kill, to end a life. He had not missed the regret reflected in the violet eyes for a split second. And he had not missed the streaks of tears flowing down his cheeks, disguised by the raindrops. 

_But raindrops do not fall beneath the eyes, above the cheeks; they fall on golden bangs which hide the windows to the souls and slide off down onto the austere cheekbones and continue on the voyage downwards, mocking the fall of men and humanity._

Hakkai pushed open the wooden door, suddenly feeling terribly wearied. The desire to just drift off to sleep and never wake ached in his bosom more than ever, juxtaposed to the desire to just make everything alright again, to go back to the life he once had, the simple joyous life he had lived as a schoolteacher with his love, Kana.

With his left hand gently resting on the wooden frame, he looked at it, at the shapely curve of the palm, tapering down to long slender fingers. _She said I had beautiful hands…She said I was beautiful for a man, then laughed it off and called me her angel._

_And a fine angel I was, too absorbed in other things to guard her and protect her from the evils of the world. I am not her guardian angel; I am fallen; I am taken by the dark. Yes, I am a dark angel. _

_I hope you can understand Kana, wherever you are now…I loved you in my fashion, though twisted it was, my sister, my love._

He entered the rented room, much more comfortable and cozy compared to the other inns they had to make do with on their journey to the west. _I thought I was over her when I took on the name of Cho Hakkai. But looks like I can't help thinking of her again and again.  _

Pausing at the light switch, he pondered for awhile on Sanzo's famous line. _The gods do not save anyone. You alone have to save yourself._

_Then, if all the gods ever do is witness these events, wouldn't it be as if they didn't exist at all? Sanzo is a paradox in his own right, a godless monk, emissary of those he doesn't even have faith in. And we, we are dark angels that follow him, on this godless journey commissioned by the gods themselves. For the rest of our lives, we remain fallen, endlessly fallen, and continually falling even deeper._

"Maybe the gods tell the sky to weep for us because of our fallen state, because we have no chance of being saved. They send the rain to fall on us, to remind us that we too are like those many raindrops. Maybe each raindrop is a representative of each soul. And when they fall, they represent another soul falling too, into the depths of death darkness, each marking the loss of another soul that cannot be saved," he mused softly to himself, a wry smile gracing his features.

_Yes…That must be it. She told me not to cry before she slit her neck and ended our lives with that swift stroke. But I did because she could not be saved. _

_I have no more tears left. So the sky does the crying for me. The sky weeps for all those whose tears have run dry. He flicked on the switch, and as the light flickered on, was a little surprised to see another figure sitting on his bed enjoying a smoke._

"Oi Hakkai, you think way too much."

"Gojyo…"

He broke out into a mortified laugh and scratched his head, reverting back to his normal smiling mask. "How long have you been here?"

"Long enough to hear your monologue."

"Ahhhh…" 

Hakkai recalled that after Sanzo's hasty dinner and abrupt leave, Gojyo had announced that he had lost his appetite then stalked off towards the bar at the other side of the inn. Goku, too absorbed in his food to note the tense air, had carried on appeasing his belly, whilst Hakkai finished his food and ordered a bottle of sake.

Later, he had sent Goku back up to his room, and retreated to his own privacy, sipping on his sake in a corner of the dining area, then finally went up to his room too, after he found the bar empty with no sign of Gojyo anywhere. 

"I wondered why I couldn't see any redhead loitering around the bar just now…You must have come up here already…" _I couldn't see the blood-red hair that was an admonition to me…_

All colors bleed to red

Asleep on the ocean's bed

Drifting in empty seas

For all my days remaining

_Hakkai's got that look again in his eyes. Or rather, eye. I can't see the other one hidden behind the monocle. He's retreated back behind those damned walls again, into that time before me. He's the man before Hakkai now, the one to whom my red hair and eyes are an admonition to. Fuck the rain, damned killjoy._

Gojyo took a long drag at his cigarette. "Tonight's the kinda night I want to just fall asleep beside a warm, curvy body after getting laid," He blew out a ring of smoke slowly, "Problem is, I can't find a decent chick anywhere with this kinda weather."

He turned to look at Hakkai, face straight and dead-serious. "So I came to the next best thing…You."

Hakkai blanched suddenly in surprise, green eyes widened and pointing one finger at himself, uttered quietly in disbelief, "Anou Gojyo…Are you saying that…You want to sleep with…me?"

Immediately, he got off the bed and shook his head frantically. "For crying out loud, Hakkai, I meant playing poker with you like we always do when it rains and I can't get laid. I'm fucking straight man and you should know that by now."

Hakkai's features relaxed instantly and he let out another mortified laugh, one hand holding his side and the other one covering his mouth as his shoulders shook with his chuckles.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo, I misunderstood. Your reaction was so comical I couldn't help myself. Yeah, I do know that, I'm just not thinking straight right now."

"Not thinking straight?" Now it was Gojyo who blanched. "Hakkai, I didn't know you swung that way."

In turn, Hakkai's mouth formed a little 'o' and his head shook anxiously as he waved his hands, gesturing a firm 'no'. "I didn't mean it that way, Gojyo. You've misunderstood. I meant that my head wasn't working right."

"Oh."

They broke out into soft peals of laughter and guffaws, the sounds drowned out by the downpour outside the window. _He's back now. Hakkai's back to his normal self._

As the laughs subsided, they both made their way to the table in the middle of the large room, each took a seat opposite the other, and Gojyo took out the pack of cards from his vest pocket. "So what're we gonna play for tonight?"

"Hm…I don't know…Sanzo was generous today and gave us each our own rooms."

"The namagasu bouzu? More like, he just wanted to take away any reason for us to be near him."

Gojyo shuffled the cards expertly, experience had its perks.

"I'm worried about him, Gojyo. He isn't acting himself ever since that youkai incident."

"Don't get your ass all worked up over him Hakkai. He'll be fine again in the morning; just a little more prone to shooting the saru's brains out."

"Ah…"

He looked up the other man, disquieted about their fellow traveling companion, and felt a tinge of concern surface for the one his long-time mate was troubled over. _Scratch that…Friend._

_It's true Sanzo's got something wedged deeper in his ass today then usual. And it was ever since he shot that youkai boy and stared at his corpse and the pool of blood creeping towards his feet. Gojyo too had glimpsed the look on the monk's face and felt disturbed by his behavior but he knew it would do no good to pry into the misanthrope's affairs. _

He dealt out the cards and the round began in silence.

"Ne Gojyo, do you agree with me that in the end, all colors become red?"

"What kind of fucked up question is that Hakkai? You trying to pick a fight with me?" He asked nonchalantly, keeping his demeanor calm and slumping lower in his chair so Hakkai would know that he was only kidding and no offense was taken.

"Ahahahah, iie, nandemonai."

"Don't fuck with me, Hakkai. Laughing politely and saying no, nothing. I know something's bugging you and you can't hide it from me."

Hakkai looked a little sad for a moment and his eyes seemed to be focusing on something in the distance, as he glanced out of the window at the pattern of raindrops splashing against the glass and got sucked into his own little world again. "I guess I can't ne Gojyo…"

_Shit…Back to square one._

"What did you mean by that question?"

Hakkai turned his head back to him, awoken from his reverie and smiled a little. "Ara…Well, in the end, everything, no matter what color it was originally, ends up being stained red with death. All living things bleed and their old colors turn to red with the shedding of blood. Those around also turn red because the death spreads and the blood splatters, hiding, masking all the other colors and leaving them crimson, scarlet, red."

"All colors bleed to red ka?" Gojyo looked up at the ceiling fan circling in a slow spiral. "I don't know Hakkai. When we die; we bleed and lie in a sea of blood red eh? Drifting about forever…"

Hypnotized, he closed his red orbs, cloaking them in the darkness of his eyelids and envisioned himself floating in his sea of red, blending in with his own red hair and eyes, as if camouflaged, limbs splayed in curious angles, body beaten and thrashed almost beyond recognition, the blood oozing from his many wounds, feeding the red sea about him, drifting, drifting, as he fell into eternal sleep.

_Just me, myself, no one else, and the endless sea of red, drifting down to the bottom of the ocean bed, asleep forever…  _

An image of his stepmother appeared in his mind, after she had been killed by Jien, his stepbrother. He now realized that her body was splayed in exactly the same way as he had imagined his own. _So I was thinking of her all the time…I thought I stopped a long time ago…_

_Did you know, Mom, that I loved you in my fashion? That I would have given anything to be the one who died that day instead of you? My tears ran dry that day…And I never cried since. For you, for anyone. You always hated it when I cried…_

Hakkai's voice roused him back to reality and the poker game they were in the middle of. Smiling a bittersweet smile, Hakkai gave him an understanding look, one he had begun to seek solace in, one that bound them in an everlasting friendship. _He went through all that shit too._

They carried on with the game, none saying a word. _Both of us loved and lost. Both of us have no more tears to cry. Both of us were never meant to cry but did because our loves were lost. We both loved in our own fashions._

Why must I think of you?

Why must I?

Why should I?

Why should I cry for you?

Why would you want me to?

And what would it mean to say,

That, "I loved you in my fashion"?

What would be true?

TO BE CONTINUED

Okay, it's done! And I am ecstatic before I thought I couldn't finish it by today but I have! Although at Sanzo and Koumyo Sanzo's expense…They will only appear in the next chapter now, and I have dragged on this fic. _ This chapter didn't go as I expected but I am still very pleased with how it came out. Hope you readers like it too. :) REVIEW PLEASE and make my day. ÜÜÜ


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